


In You The Wars

by fypical



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, breakdowns, caretaker!sam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-25 16:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fypical/pseuds/fypical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam doesn't know what happened to Gabriel in Purgatory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> This is straight-up hurt/comfort in the vein of the Gabriel-was-in-Purgatory trend. It'll probably have more than just this chapter. Title is from Pablo Neruda's "A Song of Despair".

Sam doesn't know what happened to Gabriel in Purgatory (nor does he want to), but he knows the symptoms of being on the edge of a breakdown, because he's seen them in the mirror. 

So when Gabriel's eyes go glassy and he stops talking in the middle of a word, Sam gets it.

Closing the Gates of Hell forever means the world's a lot less dangerous for humans; there are still the creatures that aren't from Hell, but even they're getting less and less bold. So Sam's coerced Dean into actually buying a place, and it's huge enough for both of them. One night, when Gabriel turns up on the doorstep in the middle of a storm, wide-eyed and soaked to the skin, they take him in. Cas comes too, eventually, once Heaven works itself out (more or less). 

It makes it a lot easier to notice when Gabriel takes leave of reality. Sam's not sure there's any one thing that causes the episodes -- for lack of a better word. Or, at least, not anything environmental.

But he's taken it upon himself as resident trauma survivor to help Gabriel at least be able to cope with whatever's affecting him. Plus, they're sort of a thing. In an unofficial, don't-talk-about-it way.

                                                                                                                  ~~~

Exactly a year after the Gates have been closed, Sam walks into the living room and the television's on. It's a nature documentary, which is the first hint, and Gabriel's not watching it.

Instead, his head is bowed, and his shoulders tense, and Sam doesn't know how long he's been like that. It sends a spike of cold fear through him, a flash of memory of the first times and how long Gabriel would sit stock-still and silent with fear in his eyes. 

"Gabe," Sam says, keeping his voice soft and neutral as he moves slowly toward the archangel. Gabriel doesn't look up, which means he's deep into it, so Sam's a little more tentative when he crouches down in front of Gabriel and takes Gabriel's shaking hands in his own.

Gabriel flinches at first, but then goes still again and lets Sam lace their fingers. Sam doesn't ask what Gabriel's seeing or hearing, or what happened to him to make him slip into this trance-like state; he never has and he isn't planning to.

"You're okay," he says instead, and, "you're safe, you're in the house."

It takes fifteen minutes before Gabriel's hands twitch in Sam's and Gabriel finally meets Sam's eyes. His expression's still openly fearful and confused, like it always is when he comes out of these dazes. 

"Sam," he mumbles after a moment, then lurches forward, his forehead pressed against Sam's collarbone. Sam slowly lets go of Gabriel's hands, and wraps his arms around Gabriel, loosely enough so Gabriel doesn't feel trapped.

Gabriel's breathing is slowing and evening out, and Sam hazards sliding one hand into Gabriel's hair and stroking through. Gabriel relaxes completely almost immediately, letting out one long breath before he pulls away a little, giving Sam a weak half-smile.

"Thanks," he says quietly, then kisses the corner of Sam's mouth. Sam can't help but smile as he nods. There's a moment of silence before Gabriel speaks again, a whole different kind of confusion written on his face.

"Why's there an angler fish on TV?"

Sam breathes a quiet sigh of relief and reminds himself that everything is, ultimately, okay.


	2. ii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is going to be a series, i think. just about dealing with post-s8, so it will have spoilers and likely deviate from the plot of the canon (because i unlike the writers don't enjoy toying with peoples' emotions for fun???). this chapter has warnings for passing mentions of torture and naomi in general because she's the worst tbh.

The worst thing isn’t memories of Purgatory; Gabriel’s got enough pagan in him to make it easy for him to hide from the Leviathans that are still there, and everyone else is too frightened of him to try anything.

And, really, after Heaven, Purgatory feels like it was a walk in the park. His memory’s still…fuzzy about the details of being pulled out of Purgatory. It seems like he was there one minute and waking to bright white – and he can’t even visualize the colour, not anymore, not without losing track of himself. He remembers the compelling mantra at the back of his mind – _obey, obey, obey_ – and he remembers refusing, the calm smile and the sense of dread that it inspired.

He remembers the pain of broken wings, bound with sigils and forced back into his vessel and Grace.

Sam doesn’t know about Heaven. Gabriel won’t talk about it to him, because he knows Sam and Dean have more than enough reason to hate Heaven. It’s done with now, and there’s no point in dwelling on it.

Castiel knows, though, because he’s the first one Gabriel went to; he had been keeping away from the Winchesters, which was fine by Gabriel, who was by that point in too much pain to care about anything other than keeping away from Heaven.

Gabriel doesn’t like to think about it too hard; it gets hard to focus on the real world, where Hell is closed and Naomi is Fallen, and he hates losing himself possibly more than he hates Naomi for causing it all. He’d been immediately angry, when he’d managed to become coherent enough to process it all. Castiel’s moments of confusion and inability to keep track of time had been painfully obvious, and Gabriel had been angrier for him than for himself.

Being pulled back into Heaven had been actually convenient; Gabriel had kept his penchant for lying, and as soon as his wings had been unbound – before they’d had the time to heal, even, which he does regret – he’d struck.

Killing family is even still something he hates, but casting Naomi down, watching her Grace burn up through Earth’s atmosphere – that had been satisfying.

Heaven’s in…a slightly better state than it had been, now. Joshua had stepped forward, Gabriel remembers that, and looked determined like he hadn’t looked in years when he offered to lead.

Gabriel visits sometimes, and things look good and feel good, even if there are angels who still eye him like he might someday try to overthrow the current peace. Joshua sometimes gently tries to convince him to return permanently – not to lead, but just to be part of Heaven once more – but they both know it’s a fairly vain hope.

Sometimes he’ll come to, and Sam will be staring at him with worry in his eyes, and Gabriel wants to tell Sam that it isn’t Purgatory that’s plaguing him, that Sam doesn’t have to worry about monsters hunting them down just for the pleasure of seeing Gabriel go still and unfocused.

Castiel has it worse off than him, Gabriel knows; he still isn’t recovered from everything Naomi had done – most of the angels in the Host aren’t. Gabriel had to deal with poorly healing wings and still has to deal with zoning out, but Castiel…Gabriel’s walked in on him huddled against a wall, shaking and pleading at the air. There have been days where Gabriel’s had to kick Sam and Dean out of the house, just so when Castiel loses control, he doesn’t blind and deafen them.

It isn’t easy for any of them, and Gabriel knows that if he feels as much like a burden as he does, then he can’t even imagine what Castiel – with all his undeserved guilt and self-hatred – must feel like. It’s unfounded, of course. Castiel’s done so much for all of them that Gabriel’s certain he deserves some peace, even if it’s shaky and tentative.

They all do. 


End file.
